Why Self-Compassion Is Essential in Trauma Recovery
What Would It Look Like to Choose Yourself?
What have been the emotional, physical and social consequences of not being compassionate with yourself?
It’s a confronting question—but an important one, especially in the context of trauma recovery. For many people, self-criticism feels like second nature, while self-compassion feels foreign, or even self-indulgent. But what if learning to treat yourself with warmth, gentleness, and kindness could radically shift your healing process?
In this blog, we’ll explore what self-compassion is (and isn’t), why it’s so important in trauma recovery, and how you can begin to practise it—even if it feels unfamiliar at first.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is the act of turning the kindness and understanding we offer to others inward. For those living with trauma—including PTSD and complex PTSD—this can feel almost impossible. Trauma can limit your ability to recognise your own pain or respond to it with care. Instead, self-judgment and internalised shame often take the lead.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in this field, defines self-compassion as a balance between increased positive and decreased negative self-reaction during times of personal struggle. In simple terms, it’s about meeting ourselves with care—even when we feel unworthy of it.
What Self-Compassion Is Not
A major barrier to developing self-compassion is misunderstanding what it actually means.
Self-compassion is not self-pity.
Self-pity disconnects us from others and reinforces the belief that we’re alone in our suffering. Self-compassion, on the other hand, connects us to the reality that all humans suffer. It’s part of being human—not a personal failure.
Self-compassion is not indulgence.
Many people fear that being kind to themselves means letting go of accountability. But true self-compassion supports long-term wellbeing. It doesn’t mean ignoring harmful behaviours; it means addressing them without shame.
Why Compassion Matters in Trauma Recovery
When we experience trauma, our nervous system often gets stuck in survival mode—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. This makes it difficult to feel safe, let alone compassionate.
Self-compassion helps shift us out of this survival state and creates space for healing. Studies show that low self-compassion is linked to higher rates of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and PTSD. On the flip side, increasing self-compassion supports psychological wellbeing and reduces shame.
As noted by Thompson & Waltz (2008), cultivating self-compassion can replace the feelings of isolation, self-hatred, and emotional avoidance common in trauma with a sense of kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
The 3 Core Components of Self-Compassion
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion includes three core components:
Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment
Rather than beating yourself up for your pain, struggles, or mistakes, you learn to respond with understanding. This doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine—it means showing yourself care when things are not fine.Common humanity vs. Isolation
Pain can make us feel like we’re the only ones struggling. But recognising that suffering is part of the shared human experience helps dismantle the shame that says “something is wrong with me.”Mindfulness vs. Over-identification
Mindfulness means noticing our thoughts and emotions without over-identifying with them. This balanced awareness helps us hold space for our pain without becoming overwhelmed by it.
Three Ways to Practise Self-Compassion
1. Pause to Notice Moments of Suffering
Self-compassion starts with awareness. Often, we rush to “fix” what’s wrong without acknowledging our own pain. Instead of pushing through shame, sadness, or frustration, try recognising these feelings as valid—and worthy of care.
Even if the situation requires action, we can take a moment to offer ourselves gentleness first. You don’t have to earn rest, softness, or kindness. You deserve them because you’re struggling.
2. Use the Body to Reconnect with Softness
Somatic awareness can help us access self-compassion through the body. Aundi Kolber describes softness as listening to the wisdom held in the body—an act that can be especially powerful if you’ve been disconnected due to trauma.
A Gentle Somatic Practice to Meet Yourself with Compassion
Somatic awareness can be a powerful way to reconnect with your body and access self-compassion—especially if you've spent years feeling disconnected. Therapist Aundi Kolber describes softness as listening to the wisdom your body holds. Even just a few minutes of presence can make a difference. This practice is adapted from a guided meditation by Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research.
Try this short practice (2–5 minutes is enough to start):
Find a comfortable position—sitting, standing, or lying down. Let your body settle.
Place a hand on your chest or another area that feels neutral or comforting. No need to search for anything intense. Just begin where it feels okay.
Notice how your body feels right now. You don’t need to name or fix anything—just notice.
Say something kind to yourself silently or out loud, like:
“This is hard, and I’m doing my best.”
“I’m allowed to be gentle with myself.”
“Softness is safe.”Take three slow breaths. As you exhale, imagine releasing tension.
If it feels supportive, repeat the words: “Soften, soothe, allow.”
Even if all you feel is numbness or discomfort, your willingness to notice is an act of compassion. Over time, these moments add up and help rebuild trust with your body.
3. Support Others Without Abandoning Yourself
Many trauma survivors are socialised to care for others before themselves. If saying yes feels easier than setting a boundary, try building in a pause.
Phrases like:
“Let me think about it and get back to you.”
“I need to check in with myself first.”
“I appreciate you asking, but I need to pass this time.”
…can help create space for reflection rather than reactive people-pleasing.
You might even try writing your own list of default phrases you can turn to when you need time to decide.
Your Softness Is Not a Weakness—It’s a Powerful Part of Your Healing
You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Some of the most powerful shifts come from the smallest acts of care—like pausing to acknowledge your pain, responding with gentleness instead of judgment, or giving yourself permission to rest.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay. It means being with yourself in the mess, with patience and kindness. Over time, this softness can help regulate your nervous system, reshape old patterns, and remind you that you’re not alone in what you’re feeling.
