Learning to Honour Your Needs: From People-Pleasing to Self-Nourishment
You’ve spent so long being the strong one, the dependable one, the one who doesn’t need too much.
You keep things going when no one else can. You say “I’m fine” when you’re anything but. You’ve mastered the art of pushing through, ignoring your hunger, your tiredness, your feelings.
Why? Perhaps because somewhere along the line, you learned that your needs were inconvenient.
It’s not that you don’t want rest, softness, or support. You’re just not sure how to stop performing long enough to ask for it.
If you’ve ever felt guilty for needing care, confused by your relationship with food, or like your body is constantly trying to tell you something you’ve been taught to ignore. This week’s blog is for you.
In this blog, we’ll explore:
Why so many of us learn to suppress our needs, and how that shows up in our relationship with food, rest, and care
The hidden cost of being the “strong” one and how people-pleasing can turn into self-neglect
How body disconnection can lead to food rules, hunger confusion, or guilt around nourishment
Why busyness can become a coping strategy for avoiding emotions and bodily needs
Practical ways to start reconnecting with your body through check-ins and glimmers
How creating safety helps make nourishment feel more accessible
Journal prompts to gently explore your relationship with needs and how to start meeting them again
“I’m Fine”: The Mask That Keeps You Invisible
Perhaps, like many of the people I support in their recovery journey, you’ve mastered the art of appearing ‘fine.’ You show up. You say yes when you’re already stretched. You try not to be a ‘burden’. You’ve even been praised for being easy-going, strong and independent.
But all of that comes at a cost.
That performance of “ I’m fine” can become a suit of armour, one that keeps you disconnected from your own body and its needs. You might not even realise how often you’re pushing through exhaustion or silencing discomfort. Because, over time, you have learned that being needed is safer than needing. That care is something you give to others, but not something you’re allowed to receive.
The Self-Neglect Behind People-Pleasing
When you’re always the dependable one, what often gets lost is the internal cost. You may feel unappreciated, frustrated, maybe even resentful. But no one notices because, from an outside perspective, no one can tell you’re struggling.
Those emotions don’t disappear. They just get turned inward. And for many of the people I work with, it triggers disordered food behaviours.
Food becomes a way to cope.
A way to soothe, to numb, to push away, to punish. You might tell yourself it’s a lack of willpower. But more often than not, it’s the lack of capacity to sit with what you’re feeling. If you've spent years disconnecting from your needs to survive, it’s no wonder it feels safer to stay busy, stay helpful, stay small.
Your Body Is Not the Problem
It’s heartbreaking how often your body ends up taking the blame.
You might say you hate your body. However, if you dig a little deeper, what also often lives underneath is grief. Grief for the times you didn’t get to be a child. For the way you’ve had to hold everything together. For the hyper-independence that others praised, even though you never really wanted it.
Your body has held all of that.
So, it makes sense that your body has become the battleground, especially when emotions haven’t felt safe to name or express. And when nourishment starts to feel like a struggle, it’s often not about the food at all. It’s about the deeper, quieter hunger: to feel cared for and to be seen.
How Ignoring Our Needs Shows Up in Nourishment
When you’ve spent years suppressing your own needs, that disconnection often spills into how you feed yourself.
You might delay meals until the point of exhaustion, or skip them altogether. Not because you're not hungry, but because your need for nourishment has become easy to ignore. You might eat “just enough” to get by but not enough to feel truly satisfied, because satisfaction and fullness feel unfamiliar or unsafe. Or maybe you swing between periods of restriction and urgency, never quite sure what your body is asking for, or whether you’re allowed to respond.
Even seemingly well-intentioned habits can become disguised forms of avoidance. Relying on the same “safe” foods, sticking to rigid rules, or feeling like you need to earn your meals with movement. These might feel like control, but they often come from a place of not trusting your body’s cues.
You might also find yourself adjusting what you eat, or don’t eat, to make others more comfortable. Maybe you go along with a food plan that doesn’t actually meet your needs, or you avoid eating in front of others to avoid judgment. This kind of appeasement is a common part of the fawn response, a survival strategy where being agreeable feels safer than being honest about your needs. It can show up in subtle ways: always choosing the restaurant that suits others, eating foods that don’t satisfy you, or hiding what you really want to eat because you’re afraid it might seem “too much.”
Over time, this pattern can make it even harder to recognise what you actually need.
It’s hard to nourish yourself when you’ve internalised the belief that your needs are excessive, inconvenient, or undeserved.
And nourishment isn’t just about the food itself. It’s also about comfort, ease, and care. For example, making meals that feel grounding, taking time to eat without rushing, and choosing foods that bring you joy.
If these things feel like “too much,” it may be a sign of how deeply you’ve learned to push your needs aside.
Reconnecting with your nourishment needs means gently challenging the idea that you have to earn care. You don’t. You’re allowed to nourish your body, give yourself ease and rest, simply because you exist.
Keeping Busy to Avoid the Body: What Happens When We Stay Distracted?
Busyness can be a socially accepted form of self-abandonment (wooo, let that one sink in).
On the surface, it might look like productivity or dedication. But underneath, it may be a way to avoid the discomfort of being with yourself. Stillness can bring up everything you’ve worked hard to suppress. The sadness, the frustration, the grief, the unmet needs. So it makes sense that staying busy might feel safer than slowing down.
You might find yourself skipping meals without realising. Filling every gap in your calendar. Feeling unsettled in quiet moments. Busyness has become a survival mechanism.
But staying distracted also keeps you disconnected from your body and its needs.
Reconnecting to your body’s needs
If some of this is landing, and you’re now recognising the ways survival has required disconnection, you may be curious to know how to begin to reconnect to your body and its needs.
Give yourself time.
Your body has never stopped telling you what it needs. And with care and consistency, you can start to hear it again. One of the simplest but most powerful ways to begin reconnecting with your needs is through regular body check-ins.
As I always say, don’t worry about having all the answers. This isn’t a test, and no one’s marking scores. We’re planting the seeds and bringing gentle awareness to what’s there.
Here are a few questions you might explore:
What sensations am I noticing in my body right now?
Is there any part of my body that feels tense, heavy, or numb?
Am I holding my breath or breathing freely?
Do I feel grounded, or like I’m floating above myself?
When did I last eat something that felt nourishing or satisfying?
Am I craving comfort, energy, connection, or quiet?
Is this feeling physical, emotional, or both?
Even if you don’t know how to respond, acknowledging that your body is speaking to you is a radical act of care.
For example, if you’re tired, tending to that might mean lying down or letting your shoulders drop and intentionally letting go of tension, taking a moment to sip on a warm drink, taking your time getting dressed, or stepping out of work on time.
Remember, we’re not looking for perfection. The goal is permission to tap the brakes if stopping feels too far away.
Notice moments of connection to safety
If your body has learned that having needs leads to rejection, shame, or punishment, it makes sense that those needs might feel muted or dangerous to acknowledge. So before trying to name or meet every need, start by creating a sense of safety.
Notice your glimmers. Those tiny, fleeting signals that help your nervous system feel okay. A scent you love. A song that gives you tingly goosebumps. The softness of your favourite hoodie (I have so many hoodies). Being around someone who lets you be your whole self.
These glimmers are the gateway back to your body. And that’s key to healing your relationship with food.
Because when you’re in survival mode, even nourishing yourself can feel risky. That’s when food rules sneak back in. That’s when hunger gets overridden or guilt runs the show. But when you pair nourishment with something comforting and grounding, you’re stopping or shortening the spiral.
Over time, what once felt unsafe becomes more familiar. And with that familiarity comes more ease.
Journal Prompts: Reconnecting With Your Needs
1. What messages did I grow up with about having needs?
For example: Were needs seen as selfish? Weak? Inconvenient? Did certain needs feel more “acceptable” than others?
2. What do I believe about people who express their needs openly?
Do I admire them? Envy them? Judge them? What does that reveal about my relationship with my own needs?
3. When was the last time I ignored a need and why?
Was I afraid of being a burden? Did I feel guilty? Did I even notice it in the moment?
4. How does it feel in my body when I express or even think about expressing a need?
Where do I feel it? What thoughts come up? Is there any tension, constriction, or softness?
5. What’s one need I’ve been minimising, suppressing, or deferring lately?
Nourishment, physical, emotional, relational, sensory etc.
6. What small, doable action could I take this week to honour that need?
7. What could help me feel safe enough to meet that need?
A grounding object, a quiet space, a trusted person, a soothing scent, a playlist. Anything that helps your nervous system settle?
Final Reflection: Your Needs Are Not Too Much
If you’ve never been validated by others or yourself, it’s natural to feel like your needs are too much. Especially if you’ve spent your life operating just below the threshold of survival, anything more than the bare minimum can feel excessive.
But your capacity will grow. And as it does, your ability to meet and hold your needs will expand.
You deserve so much more than the bare minimum.
